The God Particle Smarticle

Copyright 2012, John Manimas Medeiros

I am seriously concerned that physicists have no idea what they are doing and they certainly have no idea what a can of wormholes they are opening with their discovery (pending or pendulous?) of the God Particle. Do you, my dear physicist enemies, know what grave responsibilities you have taken upon yourself by solving the greatest religious mystery of all time, by discovering the final scientifically complete and accurate description of how, why, when and where reality came into existence? Or, should one say why, when and where, and how existence came into reality? In any case, you have done it, and we no longer need the old-fashioned traditional religions that we used to rely on to provide us with mysteries. You physicists are now the Holy Mother Church of truth, and we must all go through you in order to experience any connection with -- communion with -- the divine uh, Divine.

I must endeavor to advise you, ignorant though I am, and at the greatest risk of appearing arrogant, or worse, because I have no pee-aitch-dee, and no Master's degree, and no certificate, and no membership in any meaningful institution, such as Mathematics or Chemistry. But, as it were, along the way of a small, quite life, I did spend a lot of my time and energy learning about religion, religion of all things, and I think there are a few things you should know as to what you have done to the institution of science, now that you have turned it into (Why did you wish for this?) the Main Religion of western civilization.

Item #1. First, above all else, you have renounced and discarded and discredited any previous claim you had to being scientific or objective or disinterested. Now that you are true religion, you can't even claim to be rational or free. True Religion, as you should know, is not comprised of a search for truth, or of re-searching for truth, but of dwelling upon the truth that is found, certified, confirmed, and beyond question. True Religion, such as a "God Particle" does not allow for doubt or re-consideration. This is only the beginning. These facts about religion are after all what you have been saying about religion for the last five hundred years, and now your eggs have grown up and come home to brood on the rooster's head.

Item #2 is all about heretics. I have to be so brief here, but the long and complex history of heretics fills volumes, thousands, perhaps millions. In fact, most of the Vatican Library is most likely all about heretics and heresies in all of the gory details. Priests are like lawyers who have to watch thousands of pornographic movies in order to be experts on pornography. And now you will have to do the same. You will have to begin to catalogue all of the heresies that exist or that could possibly exist. Even as I write this advice column to the religion-lorn, heretical religioscientists are conniving and cajoling and canoodling anarchic and Satanic filth about bosons and boozoes and besons and bisons and mesons and bonbons and stringons and klingons and how they are the real basic smarticle particle that causes everything to have mass and without which there would be no mass, no sermon, no stations of the cross, no funny hats, no pews, no chastity belts, no socket-ripping racks or eye-gougers or ball-nippers or nipple cutters or public people roasts.

Be prepared.

There will be sects and departures and deviations and subversives and outrageous barbarisms before you can say God-damn particle! They will form their own priesthoods and their own religions, build their own churches, or temples to sin, or monuments to sex, sexuality, illicitness, incest, particle sodomy, particle lesbianism and particle fornication. Your new burden, which you have elected to shoulder, is to seek out all of these heresies and eradicate them, punish them, torture them into confession and penance, and kill them anyway, lest they influence the children with their deviant filth.

Item #3 is the purity of the Holy Orders, and their training, expertise, consistency, and absolute loyalty. Only persons of the highest character, persons who acknowledge and master sacred doctrine with the same dedication and care that they wipe their own asses, can be entrusted with the work of identifying heretics, extracting confessions, and removing the cancer from the body spiritual. Keep in mind, my dear scientists enemy, history provides us with a long record of heresies, and with a truly enormous burden of evidence that the more we expunge heresies, the more they multiply, like the children of the whores of Hell. You have a promising career ahead of you.

Item #4 -- the problem of questioning the God Particle. Since the particle is now God, we, or rather YOU, will have to establish the places, times and rituals through which we shall be obligated to worship the Particle. We will need images, icons of how the Particle looks, stories of how it came into being and what it has done, and what it expects of us. The God Particle will certainly have moral imperatives, or even actual physical imperatives, meaning things that we can do and things that we must do, and things that we absolutely cannot do, or should not do, or be severely punished. We shall be punished by reality of course, which some people are certain is different from being punished by a Holy Spirit, except that when people believe in a Holy Spirit -- as a reality -- then being punished by that Holy Spirit means being punished by reality. And so now, whether you call the God Particle the Holy Particle or the Creator or whatever, it is real, of course, as real as your mismatched socks, and so it cannot be treated as a superstition, now that you have photographed it while it was creating mass. The camera does not lie.

Item #5 -- evangelism, or, I should say, the holy obligation to bring the truth to the world and convert the unbelievers into the children of God, or, if they refuse, into bloody gunk and ashes. Those who will not accept the truth into their hearts must be annihilated, that is an isle hated! The God Particle may be merciful and compassionate, but the servants of the one true truth must never be weak. The organs of the Holy Mother Father Teacher of the God Particle Truth must go out into the world and convert everyone and bring them into the universal embrace of the arms of the God Particle, or God Mote, or God Pebble, or God Mountain, or God Planet. To neglect to teach the Holy Truth in one's possession is to betray the God that taught you and gave you your life, your grant funds, and the super black hole ego that enabled you to be so astronomically moronic as to think that you would be enhancing the prestige of science by dressing it in a bishop's robe. Whoever invented the "God Particle" and whoever perpetuates this obscenely stupid concept might know something about the structure of matter, but has to be totally devoid of any understanding of history or human psychology -- the bane of the expert who knows a lot about one thing and is oblivious of all else.

I don't know what you think you have done by "discovering" the "God Particle," but I am quite sure you have brought the age of the rise of science to a crashing and tragic end. Hope you enjoy your new status as a priest. You will find it to be a crushing disappointment I am sure. And I will find it disastrous for myself, also, I know, having been born a natural heretic, no matter who is lighting the fire.

Item #6 -- books. You will be shocked perhaps, but soon you will be invited to a party where the main event will be burning books, physics books. Kiss your science goodbye, my physicist enemies. You wanted to be a religion all along. I saw it coming, but have always suspected, I must admit, that you couldn't be stopped. It is imprinted on the human mind, regardless of how you think you are using the "scientific method," you were always looking for a way to claim that you are God's agent, even while you claimed there was none. This then is the current great achievement of our times. God used to be defined anthropomorphically, as though God was a person. Now, having become a scientific civilization, we have finally progressed to that higher level of human evolution where we understand that He is, after all, a Particle. It will be difficulty now, to imagine a white beard, arms, legs, a face, a voice, but we will have to adjust. This is the surprise hidden within Future Shock. We thought we were going to lose God altogether, but it turns out that he just got smaller, and his representatives on Earth wear white lab coats, or just jeans and sneakers, instead of funny pointed red hats. Possibly not as much of a change as we had imagined, but still, we await instructions on how we should pray to The Particle. Please let us know sooner rather than later, whether there is going to be One God the Particle, or the Father Particle, the Mother Particle, and the Baby Particle. Triparticlism? Uniparticlism? Welcome to the world of Physics Theology.

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